Memorandum of Meeting w/ President Trump, 01/27/17
From: James B. Comey
At 7:45 pm on January 27th, I arrived at the White House for a dinner with President Trump. He offered to pick me up at my home, but I declined, explaining that I would be coming straight from the DOJ.
From 7:46 pm to 7:48 pm, President Trump shook my hand. He then delivered a brief but impassioned monologue about dinner. He said that dinner is a very, very good meal and that it is better than lunch. He went on to say that breakfast is stupid and only losers eat it. I did not respond because I like breakfast.
He said, “I’m glad you invited me to dinner, Jim. It’s okay if I call you Jim, right?” I was confused because he had requested and arranged the dinner. I replied, “Dinner is a very good meal.”
I noticed that he was wearing a boutonniere on his left lapel. It is my belief that the flower was fake.
We sat down at the table and he asked, “How do you like your steak, Jimbo? Really well done or super well done?” Before I could answer, he said to no one in particular, “Two steaks, super well done!” He turned to me and said, “Excellent choice, Jimmy-Jam!” I thanked him.
There were three forks at each place setting: two to the left of the plate, and one to the right.
At approximately 8:00 pm, Innovations Director Jared Kushner entered the room carrying two plates of what appeared to be Ore-Ida Golden Crinkles French Fried Potatoes. Suddenly, the room became cold. So very cold. I looked around to see if a window was open, but found no evidence to support my theory.
Director Kushner left the room, and I began to feel the warmth return.
President Trump ate his french fried potatoes using two forks, one in each hand. He succeeded in getting most of them into his mouth.
At 8:05 pm, President Trump adjusted his boutonniere and said, “Yum yum, all done.” Director Kushner appeared as if out of thin air. As he reached for my plate, his hand brushed my forearm. Even through my suit jacket, it felt like ice. I recoiled and he disappeared wordlessly, soundlessly, into the night.
From approximately 8:05 to 8:20 pm, President Trump discussed the size of the audience at his inauguration. He was of the opinion that it was very, very big. I said that it was a fine inauguration.
At 8:20 pm, Senior Advisor Ivanka Trump entered the room carrying two plates of what looked like spaghetti and meatballs. “Enjoy your steak,” she said. Her mouth was smiling but her eyes betrayed her.
I took a bite and concluded that the “steak” was definitely spaghetti and meatballs covered in ketchup.
President Trump asked if I knew Mike Flynn. I told him I did. He said, “You know that investigation? The Russia thing?” I confirmed that I did. He said, “I hope you can see your way clear to letting this go, to letting Flynn go. He is a good guy. I hope you can let this go.” I agreed that Flynn was a good guy. He looked at me with narrowed eyes.
He then spoke directly into his boutonniere. “Yum yum, Trump done.” He paused. “No. Only one.”
Director Kushner returned. As he cleared my half-finished spaghetti-steak he looked deeply into my eyes and all the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I shuddered. I felt like I would never be happy again.
Director Kushner placed a single Hostess CupCake in front of President Trump, before gliding out of the room, his feet never quite touching the floor. President Trump marveled at the CupCake’s beauty. He then stood abruptly and said, “Trump is tired now.” Before I could respond, he told me he was just kidding and that he only sleeps 4 hours a night, maybe less. He said that Obama slept way more than that.
President Trump walked me to the door. I prepared for a handshake but he just looked at me and tilted his head. He said, “You’ve got something...right there,” pointing at my face. “It’s an eyelash,” he said. “Make a wish, Jim!” He brushed my cheek with his index finger, and held it up for me to see. “Make a wish,” he repeated.
I looked at his finger. There was no eyelash, but I blew on his finger because I just wanted it to be over. I wished I was home.
“Did you make a wish?” he asked. I confirmed that I had.
At approximately 9:45 pm, I arrived home, where I took a longer than normal shower. I showered for about 22 minutes before the hot water ran out.
Once in bed, I looked at my cell phone. There was a text message from President Trump, delivered at 10:03 pm.
It said, “You up?”
I was up, but did not reply.