The Short Story

I know a guy named Doug. He’s from South Carolina. You probably don’t know him. His bike got stolen a couple weeks ago. To humanize him, here’s a picture of the sandwich he’s eating for lunch today. 



For Doug Darnell, Thursday August 6th, 2015 probably began like any other day. As I can only speculate, Doug tumbled out of his water bed at 6:05 AM, performed 100 toe touches, and fixed himself his usual breakfast (3 Butterfingers, over easy). Then, he kissed his cat Margie goodbye before hopping on his bicycle so as not to be late for work. This much we know is true.*

(*The part about the water bed has not yet been confirmed as true. But he almost definitely has a cat named Margie and I’m reasonably certain that he eats Butterfingers for breakfast, but I’m not sure how he prepares them.)

Anyway, while Doug was hard at work his bike was stolen from the parking garage at our place of employment. These things happen, I know. But they shouldn’t happen to Doug. He truly does have a cat named Margie.

Doug hasn’t really been the same since that day.


Where’s the twinkle in his eyes? Where’s the spring in his step? It’s as if all the water was drained from his proverbial king-sized water bed.

Now, I don’t know much, but I know what it’s like to suffer a great loss. I also know that the only thing that will ease that pain is money and lots of it. 

I sincerely believe that if we throw enough money at this bikeless shell of a man, he might know happiness again.



Doug is a maniac for donuts. In fact, the only thing he loves more than not having his bike stolen is donuts. Specifically, jelly donuts. He’s from North Carolina, so there you go.

I don’t know how much donuts cost or how many will make a person happy, so I used the internet and math to figure it out.

When I asked the internet “how much does donuts cost?” the best answer I found was “between 95 cents and up.” Doug is a pretty fancy man – I mean, he sleeps on a bed of WATER for crying out loud! So I rounded up to one dollar per donut.

I then asked the internet “how many donuts can a person eat at one time?”

According to someone on Yahoo! Answers, “the most i’ve ever eaten was 7, and I had a stomach ache all day!”

I wouldn’t wish a stomach ache on Doug after everything he’s been through, so I think 6 donuts will do the trick. So 6 of the dollars we collect will go to jelly donuts.


I asked Doug how many dollars his bike cost. I think he said something like a thousand? To me, that seems like too many dollars for a vehicle with only 2 wheels and no roof, but what do I know? 


This is a tough one. Obviously, Doug is a careless and irresponsible person, letting his nice bicycle get stolen while he’s off yukkin’ it up at his full-time job. 

I don’t want your dollars going toward yet another bike that Doug carelessly locks up in the designated bike parking area of the office parking garage. But I think he’s learned from this experience. 

To be safe, we will start by giving him the donuts. If he manages to eat the donuts without them getting stolen, I think we can trust him with the bike money.


Don’t you? 

Tell me this. If you don’t know Doug, then why do you know exactly what he had for lunch today?

Thought so.