A Guide to Procrastinating

1. Take a shower. Not just any old shower. A really good one. This will be the shower of a lifetime. Do all the things you don’t normally do on a regular shower day. Exfoliate. Wash your back. Use a pumice stone. Leave the conditioner in your hair for the full amount of time. You should be able to waste at least 35 minutes on this shower.

2. Do you have any library books to return? If so, you should get on that. Immediately. If not, you should go to the library anyway. Check out some books. Don’t have a library card? Even better. Getting a library card is now your top priority.

3. If you have a field guide to birds, you should spend some time, nay, A LOT OF TIME, deciding what kind of bird you would be if you had to be a bird. If you don’t have a field guide to birds, go back to the library! Immediately! This is important business.


4. Assuming you got that bird thing taken care of, consider whether you need anything on Craigslist. Now is probably the best time to think about buying a bicycle or some used DVDs. If you think you don’t need anything, you’re wrong. Check out the Free section. But do you really need free cookie cutters or a free large rabbit cage? Of course you do!  Now go get that rabbit cage! Hurry!

5. As it turns out, you did not need a large rabbit cage. You have no rabbit and no intentions of getting a rabbit. And if you do have a rabbit, you’re probably very happy with the medium rabbit cage that you already own. Now you can list the rabbit cage and sell it on Craigslist. You'll probably make a nice profit in the neighborhood of 5 dollars.

6. Now that you are 5 dollars the richer, you should go spend those dollars on lottery tickets. You can get one of every kind of lottery. If you’re serious about winning the lottery, you should take your tickets home and spend a couple hours using the power of The Secret. Stare at your numbers. Stare hard and stare long. Picture yourself winning the lottery.

7. Now that you are basically guaranteed to win the lottery, start planning an awesome trip to Mexico. Spare no expense.

8. Make tacos to celebrate your upcoming trip to Mexico. You’re going to need a lot of ingredients which will require stops at numerous grocery stores. Do not forget the cilantro! If you forgot the cilantro, get back in your car.

9. Your car is awfully dirty, don’t you think? Now is probably a good time to clean it out. Really clean it. Take out the floor mats and everything. And clean the cup holder with warm soapy water. You probably never properly cleaned it after that incident with the Dr. Pepper.

10. Check your lottery tickets. If for some reason, you have NOT won any lotteries, you should take another shower. This will be a shower of consolation.